See you in September

It's September. Nothing has changed.

Well lots of things have changed... it's just my weight, the focus of this particular blog, hasn't. Jenny Craig didn't work out. I could give you lots of reasons why (trying to change one's lifestyle while studying for the bar exam is a stupid move, already a shell of person you can't handle that much pressure) but I only want to focus on the one's that can be used productively. What I must do differently now as opposed to the reasons that I would continue to fail. I liked the idea of Jenny, please remove my options from me because when it comes to food I make BAD choices. But I couldn't make the frozen entrees (when I spent my day, morning til night at a place with a tiny fridge at best) or the required weekly meetings (hey I made it to bar class and home again and that was serious effort) work for my lifestyle. At least not at that point. Plus there is the small little matter of being broke.

I understand why claiming not to have the money to pay for Jenny when I clearly spend WAY too much money on food sounds odd. But the thing is, even I don't spend as much money on food as they cost. $150 a week, not including the grocery items (vegetables and fruits you add to complete your meals). That's crazy!! I do not have that much money. But the idea was good. And I have not stopped thinking about how important it is to lose the weight. All my health, and personal, issues continue to be real and pressing.

So almost two months post bar exam (and all my lovely excuses) I am finally getting it together to try again, and to succeed. But my concerns about Jenny remain so I have signed up for Nutri-System. I had to have everything shipped to my mom's house, since I couldn't get the packages at my place. Their food isn't frozen, I have friends who have succeed using it, and it costs less than I currently spend on food every month. So there it is. I read Valerie Bertinelli's book on her weight loss and body acceptance journey yesterday and it impacted me although my issues are not the same as hers. The point is changing your mind. It's all in your head to begin with so that's where the change of your body has to start.

My biggest concern is not that I look unpleasant in a bathing suit because who gives a crap about that when you have a fabulous beautiful man who thinks that you are stunning in anything or any kind of lighting. No my concern is that I feel bad. Always. Now I know that fibromyalgia makes me feel bad. I have had 10 years to understand that. But I have this feeling deep down in my soul that, for me at least, it shouldn't be this bad. I am carrying over 70 extra pounds on a tiny body. My driver's license says 5'3" but who are we kidding? 70 pounds is always bad but it grows increasingly worse the closer you are to the ground. My feet are constantly in pain, I have disc problems in my back (hereditary but I know they wouldn't be acting up already if I wasn't so fat since my mom and aunt didn't start experiencing them until their 50's), I am more tired than I think I should be even with this stupid disease and I am hot all the time. Now I've been an overheated little person since birth. I am like an internal combustion engine that overheats all the time but doesn't produce any usable energy. I HATE BEING HOT. It's disgusting and uncomfortable and saps what little energy I have and replaces it with bitchiness. I am unpleasant when it's too hot. But logically I have to believe that it would improve if those 70 pounds were burned off into energy put out to achieve something else in the universe. Less cooking me from the inside would be greatly appreciated. And my finace would be happier too since he doesn't appreiciate being roasted alive each night while he sleeps either. Did I mention sweating less? See, if you get me on the topic of being too hot I can really go for days cause it's a serious deal with me. So I'll leave it for now and maybe discuss it in another blog. My rant against people who complain about being too cold, blech!

In any case these are things I have to believe will improve with weight loss, not to mention my productivity as a human being. I so want to achieve... something. Everyone is always telling me to recognize the things I have already achieved, like getting a law degree. But for me I am looking for somthing else. That something that makes me feel passionate and prompts me to action everyday. I believe that when I stop hiding behind my fat, stop being limited by my physical condition, and take my life in hand I will find it. And when I find it God will show me what to do with it.

But for tonight I am taking my mom out to a fabulous steak dinner, can you say cheese fries?!?! And tomorrow I will begin my journey. And try to focus on the journey AND the destination.