Inconsistency is my Only Constant

Boy, almost a year since I laid eyes on this blog... I could seriously spend days discussing my capacity for NOT finishing things, or keeping up with things, or anything else that involves consistency. And yet I always return to this space when I find myself sinking under the weight of my desire to be other than how I am.

In terms of life many things are different than they were a year ago, as they always are. Life keeps flowing by, I just don't feel like I am keeping up... like I am really participating. I passed the bar, I got admitted (a wonderful, exhilarating day to be sure) and I started my first job as an attorney. But in between passing the bar exam and starting that job I spent 3 months with my fat ass on the couch. Now I wasn't eating bonbons (but you already know my penchant isn't for sweets) No I sat on the couch and sent resumes and fretted about my future... oh did I mention the eating? I can't say for sure, since clearly I wasn't keeping track, but I don't think I actually starting eating more during that time. There was just a lot less moving and a whole lot more depression going on... a sure fire mix for weight gain. And gain I did, as I am so skilled at doing, another 15 pounds!

That put my teeny frame at 217 pounds. I then added 5, lost three, and settled around 220. Yup SETTLED. Cause I started my job the second week of February and baby it is the second week of August. Don't bother counting, it's six months. Six months of being uncomfortable in my skin. More pain, more angst... same amount of action.

I had so hoped that writing this would prompt me to action, but of course I didn't write. Did I mention the list never seems to stop growing? So instead I had a meltdown of glorious proportions... Italians are so GOOD at those! I think it's clear at this point that so much more than my weight is at issue. This is a LIFE problem. In so many aspects of my life I am living half-assed. (Though clearly we aren't talking about my physical ass, because there is plenty-o junk in that trunk) No, what I mean is that I am constantly seeking to change, to be other than how I am, because I am dissatisfied with the status quo and yet I am always failing to either take or, on the rare occasion when I do take first steps, to stick to ... well anything. But back to the meltdown...

My finance held up bravely under the overflow and he made my write a list of the things I could change, the things I have control over and could do right now, to make strides towards a different life. And I came up with lose weight, keep the house clean (dishes, laundry, and paper being on the sub-list), and learn spanish. There are other things I want to do, like learn to sail and scuba dive but those are financially out of reach right now so I stuck to items I could totally address in the now. So to that end my fiance and I made a pact to give up potato chips and french fries. And you know what, minus a slip up or two, I have done it... and I've lost 12 lbs! Count them on your fingers AND toes people... 12!!! And we threw out excess stuff in our apartment, we stopped throwing dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. The changes were so small, but the changes were so Big. Bring the clothes upstairs to the hamper, throw out the old ottoman that's never used... and suddenly your apartment is bigger and you feel stronger. I can't explain what a cleaner space can mean for the mind, and 12 less pounds for the body.

All of this to say that in the last 11 months I may not have moved far in changing my health over all, but I changed a lot and maybe this time I can make the changes stick.