Boredom

2 years and one month since I last bothered to write here. This should come as no surprise since I predicted this behavior as I discussed my inability to be consistent in any action I choose for myself. And I've shown up here today because I am bored and feeling bad about myself. But I don't want to rant about how I'm in the same place I was two years ago, plus a couple of pounds of course. I just want to theorize about how I can; can devote myself to a healing practice of yoga, can eat healthfully, can come up with a hobby to keep me occupied when I am so bored that I cry and eat a whole pound of pasta.

I will not be defeated by Fear.
I do not accept that pain is my fate.
I commit to caring for and using my body to its fullest potential.
No excuses, no lies = no failure.

That is the mantra that I have literally posted up all around my house to keep me focused. But I think that I need to add to it here. I need to not berate myself for years of failing to be true to my dreams and desires. 2008, 2009, 2010, most of 2011 they are over and I want to move forward. The point is that I CAN move forward. I just have to change my mind. I am so focused on analyzing myself that I very rarely manage to translate that into action. But I can change that simply by changing it. I know that sounds silly but my thoughts are my biggest detriment, I am always thinking if only I was..., if only I did..., if only I had...
ENOUGH
I have exactly what it takes to me the best me I possibly can. God created me for better than I am offering him and better than I am offering myself. I want to be a better wife, friend, lawyer, me. And I can.

Forgiving myself for not following through all the times before is the first, and hardest step. I am embarrassed by myself, humiliated by my failures. and not just failures in my weight, failures in my life. I gave up on some dreams because of my weight and my insecurities and I regret them. I don't believe in all that "no regret" crap. My regrets are burying me alive. I never move forward because I can get over not having moved sooner. ENOUGH!

I forgive myself for giving up on a singing career. I forgive myself for allowing my weight to get out of control and then giving it control over my life. I forgive myself for not taking advantage of the beautiful life that God has given me. And I am crying as I write this. But I'm so scared scared that I will fail myself again and come back 3 years from now to see this post and loathe myself. How do I get past the fear? How do I get past the self-loathing? I know that prayer and commitment, supplication and discipline are the only methods.

So I pray to overcome my fear. To move beyond myself and to make more. to remember that I have enough, that with God's help I will be enough to be a me I can be proud of. But mostly I am praying for the strength NOT to make a pound of pasta when I publish this post and walk away.